I
am at such an interesting crossroads in my life. I am nearly 50 years old, and
I'm satisfied on the one hand with my life, with my core relationship, my close
friends and my son, and dissatisfied, on the other hand, about everything I
haven’t accomplished yet.
On
the dissatisfied side of the equation, I’m not sure how things got to be the
way they are. “How did your life get to be the way it is?” That’s the question
we started with in my training as a spiritual practitioner. We examined the how
and the why of our lives from all sides, so to speak, recognizing first a
tendency to play the victim. “My life is the way it is because things happen to me” – that’s the victim
perspective.
Through
our training, we begin to accept that we are the masters of our own fate, and that,
when we connect with spirit, that positive, creative life force euphemistically referred
to as God, we actually co-create our reality. We practice connecting with
spirit and co-creating our reality until we surrender altogether and allow spirit,
or God, to be in charge. In other words, spirit flows through us and directs
our thoughts and actions. Sounds a little “woo, woo”, I know. I certainly have a
hard time with the concept of surrendering and putting spirit in charge, but I
get it. To me, it works because spirit, that positive, creative life force, is
not something outside of us, it is us.
Going with the flow means totally trusting the divine within us – God in,
around, through and as us – to guide our thoughts and actions.
Even
though I have been through this training and I know I am not a victim – I am “at
choice” as they say, about everything that occurs (not happens) in my life – the
question remain unanswered for the most part. How did my life get to be the way it is and why?
Perhaps this two-part question remains unanswered because I have taken little action to effect change that results in my life being different. Different in what way? Well, the most significant way in which my life could change concerns a lifelong dream I have not fulfilled. I have yet to commit myself to the practice of self-expression through writing or published a book. Even this blog, my second blog site (the first I did in 2014, then abandoned because I could only access it in "Read Only" format), is only a sporadic effort. I spend plenty of time dinking around on social media, volunteering for the PTA, parenting my awesome child, being there for my hubby and my fantastic girlfriends, and occasionally being paid as an editor and consultant on OTHER people's books. I spend far less time committing myself to my own writing. Rarely does anything move beyond my journals to the Internet or pieces I can put together into a book. Why not?
I can blame the adult attention deficit disorder that has been part of my life for more than a decade. I can blame my husband and my son. I can blame the psychological and emotional damage that accompanied my childhood. However, I must accept my own responsibility for my circumstances. Perhaps I remain stuck in the "how and why" question because I have found comfort in dissatisfaction and I don't really want things to be different in my life. As perverse as this may seem, it makes sense. Who would I be without my dissatisfaction with my life? Who would I be without complaining that I haven't accomplished my lifelong dream of publishing a book? In other words, dissatisfaction has been part of my identity. If I give it up, I won't know who I am or how to connect with others, because, let's face it, I'm not the only one who's dissatisfied with her life or who hasn't accomplished a lifelong dream.
Perhaps it is time to try a "new" me on for size. Perhaps it is time to set aside fear, laziness and the fact that I don't trust myself; I've let myself down so many times before. I'm forgetting that I can connect with spirit here, spirit in the form of a creative consciousness, which I can open to and allow to flow through me, and my pen or my flying fingers on a hot keyboard! This is a good place to start.
Perhaps this two-part question remains unanswered because I have taken little action to effect change that results in my life being different. Different in what way? Well, the most significant way in which my life could change concerns a lifelong dream I have not fulfilled. I have yet to commit myself to the practice of self-expression through writing or published a book. Even this blog, my second blog site (the first I did in 2014, then abandoned because I could only access it in "Read Only" format), is only a sporadic effort. I spend plenty of time dinking around on social media, volunteering for the PTA, parenting my awesome child, being there for my hubby and my fantastic girlfriends, and occasionally being paid as an editor and consultant on OTHER people's books. I spend far less time committing myself to my own writing. Rarely does anything move beyond my journals to the Internet or pieces I can put together into a book. Why not?
I can blame the adult attention deficit disorder that has been part of my life for more than a decade. I can blame my husband and my son. I can blame the psychological and emotional damage that accompanied my childhood. However, I must accept my own responsibility for my circumstances. Perhaps I remain stuck in the "how and why" question because I have found comfort in dissatisfaction and I don't really want things to be different in my life. As perverse as this may seem, it makes sense. Who would I be without my dissatisfaction with my life? Who would I be without complaining that I haven't accomplished my lifelong dream of publishing a book? In other words, dissatisfaction has been part of my identity. If I give it up, I won't know who I am or how to connect with others, because, let's face it, I'm not the only one who's dissatisfied with her life or who hasn't accomplished a lifelong dream.
Perhaps it is time to try a "new" me on for size. Perhaps it is time to set aside fear, laziness and the fact that I don't trust myself; I've let myself down so many times before. I'm forgetting that I can connect with spirit here, spirit in the form of a creative consciousness, which I can open to and allow to flow through me, and my pen or my flying fingers on a hot keyboard! This is a good place to start.
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